Bullet for my valentine.. My poem sucks doesn't it? - boxing hands arthritis
Bullet For My Valentine
Step on the door
Hands in the form
In a person with arthritis
Take a knock at the door
Open
Look at my page
See the box-shaped heart
To this
When I opened
A glimmer from the inside
Hits your eye
Change the smile of a gesture
A bullet has replaced the chocolate
The ball of my heart
Since the introduction
He left injured
If my heart leaped for you
I love you with all my
Watch what you do
Well, you cry
Ask Forgiveness
Enter your ball
I never thought it would end like this
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Boxing Hands Arthritis Bullet For My Valentine.. My Poem Sucks Doesn't It?
2 comments:
It is a good concept ... and the flow is not so bad ... but creates questions ... The ball is a "stick"? In other words, it's a bullet from a gun or fired a cartridge ready to be put to a weapon? Is it representative of what she has done for you or what you do? Do you regret or fear? Her heart is "jump", or admit it ... go? Just make sure that images that are compatible with the general image / metaphor of the poem to create. Do not miss the opportunity to enhance the image to ... the ball and makes the eyes shine ... Why not throw "or light in your eyes? See what I mean?
Edit and continue writing
Well, it's a good idea.
Everything does not flow very well.
The lines do not match.
Try rewording it?
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